Empire State of Mind - Crybaby Snowday Edition

Reposting a rant from 2007:

New Yorkers Hate Snow!

I don't mean people like me who moved to the city from somewhere else. I mean hardcore, born-and-raised New Yorkers. Any time there's even the rumor of snow, you'll hear the natives start to moan. And I don't understand why. New York has never seen snow. I mean REAL snow. I'm talking Blizzard of '78, Blizzard of '80, open your door to find a four foot drift blocking your exit snow. Buffalo snow. Worcester, Mass. snow.

In New York City we get two hours of snow, followed instantly by two days of freezing rain.

And I have a theory why.

The hate from all these people creates an umbrella of energy that hangs over the city, so only the most serious of snowstorms can even hope to penetrate. And then, having travelled through the Hate Umbrella, snowstorms that blanket everywhere else in the area turn into a dusting that is quickly transformed into an awful gray mush by the metropolitan traffic.

It's this mush that natives complain the most about. The very mush their Hate Umbrella caused!

This happens about a dozen times between late November and early April. Though, by the time February rolls around, there's next to no chance of snow in the city because the Hate Umbrella grows super insanely powerful on Groundhog's Day, when every New Yorker starts bitching about how "this has been the worst winter ever" (the reality being, we got two snowstorms with three inch accumulations and the temperature dropped below 30F only a few times). They start saying stupid shit like, "I can't wait for this winter to be over." Yeah, because I know I'm always looking forward to the start of another wonderful 100% humidity, temps in the upper 90s, concrete retaining the heat so there isn't even relief at night New York summer.

Nut up, New York. You bitches are supposed to be tough. You have entire stereotypes built up around how hard you are. And yet, in seven years, this suburban New England kid has yet to experience a snowfall that comes even close to making me rush to the Key Food to stock up on canned goods and bottled water.

Let it snow!